Wednesday, January 30, 2008

feeling existential!

Just had a philosophical thought as I was completing the banal task of doing dishes. Just thinking about the moments in life that make you feel. Like when my drive failed, I felt panic. When the second one failed, I felt panic and then I felt very jaded. Living with my mom made me feel really secure, and also at the same time incredibly liberated and incredibly stifled. At times I feel tenderness and love and passion from and for certain people, and then all of a sudden I don't anymore. E-mailing and phoning Alexei makes me feel longing. Working with certain directors makes me feel frustrated and angry. Taking care of Cloud makes me feel very motherly. Having a couple beers makes me feel drunk. Looking at art that appeals to me makes me feel other-worldly. Spending time with friends makes me feel elated. Alone time makes me feel (logically) lonely.

At the time this thought came upon me, I was doing my dishes, and I realized I wasn't feeling anything at all, which made me realize once again that all the feelings we cycle through as human beings don't last. Some feelings, like love, often do last, but even those feelings change over time. They grow deeper or become lighter or morph into a different definition of the word. The feeling of loyalty also changes. When I reflect upon my friendships, I feel that I am still a loyal friend to those I consider friends, but usually friendships wax and wane with the years as well, and often the number of times I call a certain pal to recount the day's events becomes fewer and fewer. So even loyalty, like love, fades.

Thankfully we don't experience all these feelings all at the same time (unless you're on hallucinogenics), and it feels good to be aware that all you're experiencing is an emotion in a moment in time that won't last in the particular way you are experiencing it. So the point is to simply be in the moment and be in touch with what that feeling is before it goes away.

It would be sad to not cycle through all these emotions and to constantly feel like I felt while I was doing the dishes (nothing).

The bike ride I took this morning made me feel like I was going to vomit (that's what a lot of homework and a little rain will do to my overall fitness level!). Thank God emotions and sensations are fleeting!

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