Tuesday, October 31, 2006


My friend Monique is an incredible artist. She always has been! I've known her since I was a baby. She lived across the street from me in Mill Valley. We would spend hours and hours doodling with crayons as children. Whereas I would draw stick figures and smiley faces, she would draw these fantastical images of fairies and unicorns and pegasi (that's plural for pegasus). In fact, the reason I probably learned about all these mythical creatures may have been partly due to my friendship with Monique. She has an unparalleled ability to dream and create. Whenever I recognize this gift in a person, I feel that I am in the presence of greatness. So Monique has recently started to craft these leather masks. She just finished a master's in depth psychology at Sonoma State and has been studying mask rituals throughout history, in particular, the personas that people take on when they put on a mask. So people become someone or something else when they put on a mask. They are no longer Kristin or Monique, but they are goddesses or fairies or, in my case, a butterfly.

Happy Halloween!

Monique's website: mythicamasks.com

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

conspiracy/history repeats itself

I've been watching the first season of the HBO series Rome. There is a lot of blood, violence, nudity, sex and phallic symbols. That should convince most people to tune in! What fascinates me is that politics is the business of power. Not necessarily money, but control, esteem and status. Cesar had complete control over his subjects. They did whatever he wanted them to do and could dismiss them with "That will be all," and they immediately withdrew themselves from his presence and set out to fulfill his wishes. He ordered martial law in Rome in order to bring peace to the city. He set out to dominate regions in order to ensure he would not lose his status in the world. He had people killed because they posed a threat to his status, and spared others only if it would suit his political purpose.

So how can we fool ourselves to think that our own government doesn't operate in this manner? People are drawn to politics often because they desire power and status and control. Not all leaders are benevolent, and if they are, they are usually eliminated. People in power, families who maintain dynasties, want to maintain the status quo. Those who are at the top should remain at the top.

I'm also reading an article in the New Yorker about conspiracy theory. So while watching Rome I'm reminded of some of the unfortunate and mysterious deaths of our day that seem awfully similar to deaths that might have happened in the time of Rome. Cesar could have killed Pompey's son. But political strategy spared his life. But what about Paul Wellstone? John Jr.? Why did their planes mysteriously go down? What about Princess Di? How could these people who are so highly esteemed in our culture and who have body guards and press surrounding them all the time be killed in accidents?

Not to mention the assassinations of the heroes of our generation: JFK, MLK, Lennon...

So call me paranoid, but I'd rather think that I'm not living my life with the wool pulled over my eyes.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

wu wei

Yesterday I was at my mom's house out on the deck in the middle of the day. In Northern California, our autumns give us beautiful crisp sunny days. Warm but with a bite in the breeze. Yesterday (and today) was one of those days. I didn't want to leave Marin and go spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in my dark cubicle. So I lingered a few extra minutes. I thought about how Alexei would love it here. I thought how nice it would be for him to witness the change of seasons. The creek in back is very still these days, not gushing like it was in March and April. Now it's covered with yellow leaves from the deciduous trees behind our house. I noticed that even in the still water, the leaves seemed to move infinitessimally slowly. And they seemed to move en masse. Watching the leaves had a calming effect on me, and reminded me of the Taoist concept of wu wei, floating down the river with your eyes closed. Letting the river of life be your guide. Trusting that you'll land on beautiful shores.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

blame it on the jaegermeister

If I had known that the jaeger would have had that effect on me, maybe I would have tried it last year, and yet, it still did not yield the results I was looking for.

But then, am I still looking for the same results? It's funny, but now that I can honestly say that I was closer than ever before to living out my fantasy with M.M., I wonder, would realizing the dream kill the beauty of it? Question is, would I really want to have a guy like that in my life? Especially when his feelings for me would pale in comparison to what Alexei has given to me?

For the sake of my one or two readers, I will recount the evening, because it really was sweet, in a very drunken teenager kind of way.

It all started on Saturday evening, I was getting ready for some friends to pick me up and take me to the Red Lion Tavern, when I got a phone call from a mysterious 213 number. I was hoping it would be him, and when I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I was trying to play it cool. He asked when I would be heading over there, and then I suggested he pick me up and we go together. FINALLY! The moment I had always dreamed of for 2 years had finally arrived. He said to meet him outside in 10 minutes and he would be in his BMW. His BMW! I would finally get to be in the passenger seat at night in Silver Lake in HIS CAR!

I went to the curb 5 minutes early so in case he was early we wouldn't miss each other. I saw a rat crawling across a telephone wire. When I got into the car, my diarrhea of the mouth began, but with him, it's never meaningless diarrhea, it's deep conversation. We always jump into the deep and meaningful stuff immediately. That's why I like him so much. We talked about weddings and love and partnership and being ready and really wanting it.

Did I mention how good he looked? His hair was longer than before and he was dressed in all black and, yes, he looked hot. He was the dark knight riding me down Sunset Boulevard on his silver stallion.

We arrived at the Red Lion and my old roomie was already there with some of his Macedonian friends. So already I felt we were in an alternate universe. In a German beer garden, hanging out with Balkans, and I came with M.M. He came with me.

We sat next to each other at the bar before we found a table. I remember really wanting to touch his long black hair. Not just touch it but run my fingers through it.

I can't seem to remember much of the conversation that we had at the table because that's when we started doing shots of jaeger, and if I do that then I must already be 10 sheets to the wind. Or maybe it was peer pressure and the fact that he wanted me to do a shot with him that I agreed to do it.

My old roommate and I kept secretly whispering in each others' ears about M.M. He said, "I really like this guy." I said, "Of course, you do. So do I!" He told me that he thought that if I ever had a chance to be with M.M. that I would forget about Alexei. And I told him that the only way I would forget about Alexei is if M.M. told me that he loved me.

Which will never happen. That's why he's just a fantasy.

But looking at him on the other side of the table among my friends and in my life felt like I was living out the dream. At the end of the night we moved into a booth inside, and we sat next to each other and talked about Espana and Barcelona, where I've never been but he has and called it "Barthelona," lisp and all. At this point, all I wanted was for our lips to meet and stop talking and leave all the Macedonians behind.

So when the bar closed, we went outside to say our goodbyes. My old roommate told me that if I wanted to go to bed with M.M. I should tell him, "I really want to spend the night with you, but if we do, nothing will change." He said that should work. Yeah right, like I really would say that. M.M. poked at my waist and suggested we go. When we walked away, I wanted to hold his hand, because it felt like he was my man that night. But I didn't know how he would respond. So I didn't.

He drove me around the Silver Lake reservoir. The streetlights reflected on the water. I had forgotten how beautiful and calm the reservoir looked at night, and how many times I had dreamed of looking at the lights on the water with him.

We drove by his street and he pointed out to me that's where he lived. Of course, I knew that already because how many countless times had I driven down this street looking for his car and trying to find the number that matched his address when I lived in the neighborhood. But I simply nodded and played along.

Finally, he pulled into the driveway where I was staying at my friend's house. We started saying our goodbyes. It seemed so anticlimactic. I felt compelled to tell him more, but I didn't want to seem pushy or risk being rejected. So here's what I said:

Um, I want to do something else right now, but I don't want to seem inappropriate.

He said:

Kristin, I am not understanding you right now.

I said:

OK, how do I explain this...

I turned to him and said:

I find you very attractive and there's something else I'd like to do right now, but I don't want to be inappropriate.

He smiled and said:

Oh, you're so sweet!

He kissed my cheek and gave me hug. It was a real hug. Long and strong. But it was only a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

When we finished hugging, I said:

Well then, keep in touch!

I jumped out of the car and didn't look back.

Friday, October 13, 2006


I can't believe how busy I've been and have decided that I incredibly value my downtime. I am elated that I no longer have to work 2 jobs and am now down to just working one (isn't 1 enough?) until December and then I'll have no job at all!

Lately I have been pondering the notion of masculine and feminine because my girlfriends and I have been observing that we often possess more masculine qualities than our male counterparts. And what I mean is what is typically known as qualities that are typically assigned to men and qualities that are typically equated with women. However, I think our society is wrong to call them masculine and feminine, but we are offered no other vocabulary in the English language and American culture in which to describe these qualities. Why is a man who shows emotion called feminine? And why is a feminine man considered weak or even "gay?" And why is a woman who is strong and powerful called masculine, or even worse domineering, or a bitch? What I'm getting at is why is it considered negative in our culture if a man is soft and nurturing, and a woman is hard and decisive?

I prefer the concept of yin yang. It carries no stigma of flip flopped gender roles. Even the symbol of yin yang is more forgiving. It is not a circle divided equally in black and white. It is a circle whose amorphous halves flow into each other and even contain an eyelet of the other within its core. I believe it is much healthier to use the yin yang model with the human species. We all possess soft and hard qualities. We are all black and white. We humans, as a species, are all both opposing sides.

What comes with seeing the human race as yin and yang is that you can't have one without the other. You can't have hard without soft. You can't have nurturing without demanding. You can't be one half of the whole because the other half will fill itself inside those areas where you are lacking. And we all need the balance. White without black seems blank and black without white looks like nothing.

Friday, October 06, 2006

sorry i haven't written...

Another quote from Clinton on the George Bushes: "You know, the way they speak and all... it could just relate to the way the synapses work in their brains."

Can we re-elect him as President?