blame it on the jaegermeister

If I had known that the jaeger would have had that effect on me, maybe I would have tried it last year, and yet, it still did not yield the results I was looking for.

But then, am I still looking for the same results? It's funny, but now that I can honestly say that I was closer than ever before to living out my fantasy with M.M., I wonder, would realizing the dream kill the beauty of it? Question is, would I really want to have a guy like that in my life? Especially when his feelings for me would pale in comparison to what Alexei has given to me?

For the sake of my one or two readers, I will recount the evening, because it really was sweet, in a very drunken teenager kind of way.

It all started on Saturday evening, I was getting ready for some friends to pick me up and take me to the Red Lion Tavern, when I got a phone call from a mysterious 213 number. I was hoping it would be him, and when I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I was trying to play it cool. He asked when I would be heading over there, and then I suggested he pick me up and we go together. FINALLY! The moment I had always dreamed of for 2 years had finally arrived. He said to meet him outside in 10 minutes and he would be in his BMW. His BMW! I would finally get to be in the passenger seat at night in Silver Lake in HIS CAR!

I went to the curb 5 minutes early so in case he was early we wouldn't miss each other. I saw a rat crawling across a telephone wire. When I got into the car, my diarrhea of the mouth began, but with him, it's never meaningless diarrhea, it's deep conversation. We always jump into the deep and meaningful stuff immediately. That's why I like him so much. We talked about weddings and love and partnership and being ready and really wanting it.

Did I mention how good he looked? His hair was longer than before and he was dressed in all black and, yes, he looked hot. He was the dark knight riding me down Sunset Boulevard on his silver stallion.

We arrived at the Red Lion and my old roomie was already there with some of his Macedonian friends. So already I felt we were in an alternate universe. In a German beer garden, hanging out with Balkans, and I came with M.M. He came with me.

We sat next to each other at the bar before we found a table. I remember really wanting to touch his long black hair. Not just touch it but run my fingers through it.

I can't seem to remember much of the conversation that we had at the table because that's when we started doing shots of jaeger, and if I do that then I must already be 10 sheets to the wind. Or maybe it was peer pressure and the fact that he wanted me to do a shot with him that I agreed to do it.

My old roommate and I kept secretly whispering in each others' ears about M.M. He said, "I really like this guy." I said, "Of course, you do. So do I!" He told me that he thought that if I ever had a chance to be with M.M. that I would forget about Alexei. And I told him that the only way I would forget about Alexei is if M.M. told me that he loved me.

Which will never happen. That's why he's just a fantasy.

But looking at him on the other side of the table among my friends and in my life felt like I was living out the dream. At the end of the night we moved into a booth inside, and we sat next to each other and talked about Espana and Barcelona, where I've never been but he has and called it "Barthelona," lisp and all. At this point, all I wanted was for our lips to meet and stop talking and leave all the Macedonians behind.

So when the bar closed, we went outside to say our goodbyes. My old roommate told me that if I wanted to go to bed with M.M. I should tell him, "I really want to spend the night with you, but if we do, nothing will change." He said that should work. Yeah right, like I really would say that. M.M. poked at my waist and suggested we go. When we walked away, I wanted to hold his hand, because it felt like he was my man that night. But I didn't know how he would respond. So I didn't.

He drove me around the Silver Lake reservoir. The streetlights reflected on the water. I had forgotten how beautiful and calm the reservoir looked at night, and how many times I had dreamed of looking at the lights on the water with him.

We drove by his street and he pointed out to me that's where he lived. Of course, I knew that already because how many countless times had I driven down this street looking for his car and trying to find the number that matched his address when I lived in the neighborhood. But I simply nodded and played along.

Finally, he pulled into the driveway where I was staying at my friend's house. We started saying our goodbyes. It seemed so anticlimactic. I felt compelled to tell him more, but I didn't want to seem pushy or risk being rejected. So here's what I said:

Um, I want to do something else right now, but I don't want to seem inappropriate.

He said:

Kristin, I am not understanding you right now.

I said:

OK, how do I explain this...

I turned to him and said:

I find you very attractive and there's something else I'd like to do right now, but I don't want to be inappropriate.

He smiled and said:

Oh, you're so sweet!

He kissed my cheek and gave me hug. It was a real hug. Long and strong. But it was only a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

When we finished hugging, I said:

Well then, keep in touch!

I jumped out of the car and didn't look back.