Monday, March 10, 2008

is three out of three possible?

Lately I've been feeling a little bit differently about where I want to steer the vessel that is my life. Sometimes it's really confusing to make the right decision, because how do you know if it's the right decision or not?

So I was editing this show for Link TV and one of the guests, a very wise man named Azim Khamisa, said that it's important to make decisions using your mind-heart-soul connection. The way to do that is by asking yourself these three questions:

1) Does it make sense? [mind]
2) Does it feel good? [heart]
3) Does it inspire you? [soul]

I still can't tell you that if this thought process makes decision-making easier, but it helps clarify certain things. What I'm not sure about is that if you answer "no" to one of the questions, does that mean you shouldn't do it, or should you simply be aware that it doesn't make sense, doesn't feel good or doesn't inspire you? Perhaps the notion that "two out of three ain't bad" applies here.

What I'm getting at here is one of my favorite themes: love, and more specifically, how to fall into it. At one point I asked my two or three readers the question of when does one break the deal, or cut the cord, so to speak. Now I'm faced with a different question: when do you finally allow someone in? Does that person have to a) make sense, b) feel good and c) inspire you all at once in order for you to consider letting someone into your heart in the first place? Or if they meet at least two out of three criteria, can you see if the third criterion will eventually come around?

Lord knows if I had asked myself these three questions sooner in life, I may not have gotten myself into a number of messy situations that I so willingly leapt into at the time. But then, the Existentialist in me keeps telling me, you only live once! And the Virgo keeps asking, at what cost?

I used to have another set of criteria in determining a mate, which I haven't totally abandoned, and since I am on the subject, here they are. I've always thought that a winning combination for two individuals to come together and stay together, you need to have:

1) a physical connection
2) an emotional connection
3) an intellectual connection

Is it too much to ask for three out of three? Or must we accept two and one day hope the third will grow or emerge or come around?

If any of my two or three readers has some other key to the mysterious and enigmatic winning combination, and where and how to find it, any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated.


Anonymous said...

I'll bite.

IMHO: Azim's criteria... I think you could be very happy if it is numbers two and three. I do think things can make more sense over time, if they didn't at first. Now, YOUR criteria, three for three all the way baby.

Although (here I am, already back tracking), it is true that emotional and physical connection can *grow* over time. I heartily do not think that an intellectual connection develops over time - you are either there or you are not. My heart of hearts and mind of minds tell me you should definitely strive for the trifecta. It is out there.

This is not to say that when you find the trifecta you find perfection in a relationship. God no. But, at least, with those three things as a foundation, you've got a true chance and the ingredients for a sustainable love relationship.

Let me know what you come up with.


KT said...

A trifecta sounds perfecta! ;-) I'm simply wandering through life confused. But I'm trying to stay focused! Thanks for your input! What does IMHO mean?

Anonymous said...

in my humble opinion

KT said...

and what is your humble opinion?

Anonymous said...

kt, that was me. that is what IMHO = in my humble opinion. sorry to confuse.


(whenever I post a comment here, I forget my google username etc and have to go anon. doh! my poor brain is a sieve.)

Anonymous said...

I've been married for six years. It's a lot of work, even if you imagine you have a trifecta. On the flip side, if there is one, you can be happy with less than a trifecta.

But these affairs aren't static. Over time you'll both change. You'll both grow apart in some ways and you'll grow together in some ways. Marriage isn't necessarily all about romantic love all the time, as any married couple will tell you. To some extent (greater for some than others I imagine) you'll both need to tolerate one another -- you'll need to make the conscious choice to commit, even when your selfish urges are screaming at you to cut and run. And this is the crux of it I think. If you don't buy into the idea that at some point you'll just have to stick it out during a rough patch, you really have no business being married. I think this is a problem for our generation.

The rest -- the love, the happiness, the sharing, the growing -- that's a given in marriage. It comes in waves. But you have to allow yourself to let it come. Sometimes you have to cultivate it. We are fickle little beasties, with the attention spans of gnats compared to our ancestors.

But this seems so quantitative to me. I'm a dude...and I'm not as logical as most seem to be about choosing a mate...

My unsolicited, unfiltered, unhumble opinion is that if you're asking these questions, you have really made up your mind already.

Anonymous said...

By the way, can you believe what Ferraro is saying????


KT said...

Hey LT! Have I made up my mind? I wish I didn't doubt my own opinions and feelings so much. But why shouldn't I, when they have so often led me to hell in a handbasket when it comes to relationships in the past. I guess what I'm asking is should I feel all three at the get-go (some of my friends say they know within the first five minutes if there's something or not), while others say, "give him another chance!"

Also jenken, thanks for the clarification. I was thinking maybe you were just someone that really liked to instant message!

KT said...

Also, jenken, I'm relieved to think that perhaps some of my irrational crushes might eventually make more sense over time!

Anonymous said...

I have a question. And maybe this is crossing the line a bit -- but this is a blog, no?

My question is this: Which of your friends have managed to stay in a relationship longer than five years? I know 5 is an arbitrary number, but I had to give a number less than mine so as to appear more credible... ;)

Anyway, I would look at those friends who tend to be stable in their relationships. But that isn't necessarily an indicator of anything. My friends who have stayed in relationships with "high happiness coefficients" aren't easily lumped into any particular school of thought. But they are all totally whacked. Maybe that says something.

How is that for a non-answer?

KT said...

LOL! High happiness coefficient in a relationship = wacked! It's like that joke in Annie Hall. A man goes into the doctor and says, "Doctor, I need your help! My brother thinks he's a chicken!" And the doctor says, "Well maybe you should send him to an insane asylum." The man replies, "I would but I need the eggs!"

Anonymous said...

Well I like my eggs, too. So there it is.

Man, I haven't seen that movie in like twenty years...and even then it was a classic.

Are we old already? I just turned 38 -- fortunately I was traveling with people who didn't know my birth date.

It could have been ugly.

KT said...

Having crushes on 26 year olds at our age could get ugly too.

But nonetheless, we are not old, damnit!

BTW, Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

I tried that once....

Anonymous said...

This thread of conversation is so relevant to my life right now. I'd say that chemistry w/ someone is a MUST, but I'm not sure it necessarily happens immediately for every enduring, successful relationship. It can be hiding at first and can grow. But man, that feeling of electricity when you first see or start talking to someone - it's magical and addictive and who wouldn't want that? But heightened romance like that is not sustainable, in fact I think if we never left that stage of mating ritual our species wouldn't survive - we'd burn out and all die of heart attacks!

One of my dearest friends, Liza, told me of a talk she heard Pema Chondron give (Buddhist Scholar) about finding real love and intimacy. To paraphrase, Pema said that in the beginning of a relationship we project ourselves onto a screen for the other person to see (or as Chris Rock says - you’re not with the other person in the beginning, but with their representative). We project our hopes and dreams and expectations up on that screen – and an image of the other person as well. She said that true love and intimacy starts on “the brink of disappointment” when the illusions fall away and you begin to learn who the other person is at their core, with all their vulnerabilities and imperfections. You realize that they may not meet up to those fancy pictures – the fairy tale is over.

I also agree with The Lonely Trader that once you’re past the roller coaster romantic love and move into enduring love, you consciously choose that love and to be with that person every day – especially the days when you’re grumpy and frustrated and just flirted with some cute someone on the train. The relashipships that have that trifecta, or as close to it as possible, are still ones that you feel like straying from on occasion, but you choose not to. So there are my thoughts.

By the way KT, I LOVE the picture of your new love object – your accordion!! You’re gonna be great!


KT said...

I know this is very corny, but the song by Shania Twain is what I'm holding out for:
"You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night"

Lilia said...

The Lonely Trader said..."My unsolicited, unfiltered, unhumble opinion is that if you're asking these questions, you have really made up your mind already."

I've always thought it was the other way around, but it might depend your character. Or maybe I'm missing your meaning. Someone I knew in grad school once told me, "If you're asking yourself these questions, it isn't happening." which is to say, that when it's right, there are no questions. It's just easy, obvious.

I'm not saying it stays that way. I mean at the beginning, when you're first getting together, if there is confusion and instability, that's generally a good indication you should keep looking.

KT said...

OK. I agree with Lilia, and her friend from grad school. Maybe that's a testament to why we are such good friends. ;-)

Lilia said...

Here are the song lyrics for what I want (from my friend Megan McLaughlin paraphrasing me):
I hope I find someone to love me
Someone who wants me to the core
Someone to hold me like a warm wind
Rushing through the night and then to want me more