love

This morning I woke with the duet by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell “You’re All I Need to Get By” on my mind. I haven’t really thought about that song in years. It was the song I always wanted for the first dance at the wedding I imagined with R. To me, the lyrics symbolize everything I imagine a true partnership to be about. “Darling in you I’ve found/Strength where I was torn down/Don’t know what’s in store/But together we can open any door!” The lyrics speak of being able to take the great leap of faith into the future that life holds with someone else, and it implies that the couple wouldn’t want to go into the future without each other. I remember when I was listening to that song when I was with R., I had to pick up the phone and leave the song playing on his answering machine: “I took one look at you/And it was plain to see/You are my destiny!” What’s crazy is that I really felt that way about him. I felt like all of my paths in life led me to being with him, and I imagined such a beautiful union and so many possibilities. This reminds me of another song, by Martha Griffiths, that speaks of love. But instead of lyrics teeming with idealism and faith, she sings of how love can betray and kill your "magic dreams." “Sweet Bitter Love/Why have you awakened/And then forsaken/A trusting heart/Like mine…” Since R., I have not met another man, not even A., that I can honestly sing those trusting, hopeful, idealistic words of the great Marvin Gaye, “You’re all I need to get by!” Since R., probably because of R., I've been singing the bittersweet melodies of Martha Griffiths.

I also want to write about sex and affection. I love experimenting physically with men. I love the way two sets of lips unite in one kiss, and the playful experimentation of that initial union. You never know how you'll react to a person until you kiss him, or until you have to say goodbye as well. I guess what I want to say about sex and affection is this: both are fun and enjoyable activities, but both don't even hold a candle to true love, especially when you're trying to hold on to the faithful idealism that true love exists.