pairing/recovering

I won a pair of tickets on KCRW to see Breakestra yesterday evening at the Independent. The problem is that I am not a pair. I am single. And it was a Sunday night. Unfortunately, my single girlfriends couldn’t make it for one reason or another. In fact one of them had a date, and so in a way, she was pairing up. I could have asked D. because I know he would have gladly gone, but to be honest, I didn’t want to see him two nights in a row because I thought it might give him the impression that I was *really* into him and I might have to uncomfortably thwart his advances. I wouldn’t have minded his company because he is a fun and outgoing person, but I was afraid he would put the moves on me like he was the night before. Don’t get me wrong—I like it when a guy shows you how he feels about you. But honestly, this guy had just met me and some of the things he was saying and doing didn’t seem natural. Same goes for the Texter. We met at Wish with a group of friends, made a plan to meet up for dinner, and then he steps it up to spending the night with him that very night. I am perfectly happy to share intimacy and physicality with someone when you feel like it’s a natural transgression of time spent together and the chemistry between you. But when it’s just sex, or just kissing for the hell of it, I can’t imagine doing that with anyone except for maybe Marky Mark, or if I was at Burning Man. Am I missing out on fun? I don’t think so, because if I end up sleeping with someone just for the hell of it, I know myself well enough to know that I’ll feel rejected if he doesn’t want to see me again. And frankly, feeling rejected feels worse than feeling alone and makes me want to avoid getting myself into another meaningless sexual situation again. I’d rather hold out for something deeper.

So, while dialing all of my friends I knew who might be available to join me for the concert last night, I got a call from F. It seemed coincidental, because more than any man in San Francisco and in my life right now, he is the one that I would like to spend time with. Yet we can’t spend time together. It’s like we’re grounded from each other for bad behavior. Anyway, his name was the only one in my contacts menu that I wouldn’t call, and somehow he sensed that I was thinking about him. Which brings me to the subject of recovering. I am trying to recover. I am trying to bounce back. I am trying to be open to new guys. The problem is that you click with one and want more with one, and the myriad others that you meet don’t do a thing for you. Spending time with M. felt like Disneyland. There was a magical feeling of discovering and elation when we were together. So it’s hard to forget the way he made me feel. They say the only thing that makes you forget one is to be with another. So how come it’s so hard to find someone that you want to be with?

The show at the Independent last night was incredible. Breakestra was going OFF! And even though I never found anyone to go with me, I still had a great time. There’s something about seeing good live music that really makes you feel good inside. And to top it off, I think I made someone’s night. I picked up my pair of tickets and was about to head inside when I saw a well-dressed woman waiting on the sidewalk holding a flyer. She said to the man standing next to her, “Is this the band that’s playing tonight?” I went up to her and handed her my extra ticket and said, “You’d like to see the show? Here’s a ticket! Happy Birthday!” She thanked me and I went inside.

Later on, the man who was with her approached me in the club and asked if I was the one who gave his wife the ticket and wished her a happy birthday. He offered to buy me a drink and asked if I wanted to join them in the VIP area upstairs. They were very appreciative and friendly. They had left their three children at home with a babysitter and were enjoying their night off. And I didn’t feel like I was dancing alone.